One of my fears is that one day Amelia will take my grief as that she is not enough. That having her in our lives is not enough to make us completely happy. That having her is not enough to fill our hearts. I know she is too young to understand this now, but I have written her a letter for when that time comes.
To my sweet daughter Amelia:
Mommy cries because she misses baby sister.
Mommy is sometimes not patient because the grief exhausts me and breaks me from time to time. Mommy asks you to be extra careful because she now worries more than before.
Mommy needs some alone time every now and then to focus on learning how to live her new life.
My hope for you is that you always remember your baby sister. That even though you never will get to play dolls together, sneak out of the house, or get into fights, that you will know her. That you will know how strong and brave she was. That you will know her love. She will always be there for you when you open your heart and listen. When you get older and times get tough she will always be there to listen and guide you.
My hope is that you will grow up a more faithful, empathetic, strong, and loving person because of your grief for your sister. This has changed who you have become and it has strengthened you.
Amelia, mommy heart is broken and mommy is sad. Mommy will always have a big part of her heart missing because a mommy’s love for her children is something that can never be replaced or repaired.
As you grow up I know there will be some struggles. You will have more questions and difficult questions about Adelyn. Someday you will grieve and it will hurt. Someday you will be sad and you will be angry.
I want you to know that now and when that time comes that…
When mommy cries because she misses baby sister, you are the sunshine that brings back my smile.
When mommy is exhausted from the grief, you are the breath of fresh air that gives me new energy. When mommy asks you to be extra careful she is an awe of how wonderful of a little girl you are.
When mommy is having her alone time you are always on her mind.
I want you to know I will always miss and grieve the loss of your baby sister because mommy loves her just like she loves you. Someday when you are a mommy you will feel how powerful that love is. Even though mommy’s heart is forever broken the love I have for you fills it.
My sweet Amelia I always want you to know how much I love you and that you are more than enough.