Blessings in my Brokenness

Last night as my husband and I were going to bed, I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, “I am just looking at the picture of Adelyn and you.” As our conversation continued we talked about the what might have beens, the wish we would haves, and how it seems like yesterday but at the same time so long ago. We talked about our sorrows, feelings of guilt, and being at peace. We said our goodnights and went to our normal sides of our bed.

As I drifted off to sleep my thoughts this time did not go to my brokenness but to my blessings. While just here on earth I will never know God’s plan but I do know he has one. I strive every day to become more like Jesus so I can spend my eternal life with Adelyn and understand his plan. My faith in our heavenly Father gives me the strength to look to the sky and see the stars instead of the darkness.

My blessings are many and many have come from my brokenness.

My faith is stronger than ever before. It took tragedy in my life to understand the power of God’s love and only he can fill the emptiness in my heart.  Many books, articles, and even our culture will try to tell us that other things can make us happy, but only God’s love can lead us to true happiness.

I feel blessed for the understanding and compassion Amelia has for life and for death. Many times the fact that she had to experience such sadness angers me….really infuriates me. Amelia is not shy to talk about it, which I believe is a good thing, but it can be hard to hear. For example, when Amelia shared with her class the hardest time in her life is when her sister died, because it was the first time she saw her mom cry. The fact my seven year-old has to tell her class that story upsets me.  Yet, it is times like attending our grandfather’s funeral and seeing Amelia feel 100% comfortable approaching the casket, and even kneeling beside it to  pray that I count as a blessing.  

After Adelyn many have heard me say, “My give a sh*t meter is pretty low.” This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about life or that I don’t work hard. I find the blessing in our loss of Adelyn that a life lesson of not worrying about the small stuff was taught and learned. Witnessing firsthand how fragile life is and how quickly it can be gone, has put life into perspective for me. This I am incredibly thankful for as it has really changed my life.

I will end with the lyrics I have shared before by Matt Maher’s song As Good as It Gets.“You take my eyes off of the future. You lead my heart out of the past. You are the promise here in the moment where I find my rest. You are as good as it gets.”
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Tomorrow will I be able to see the blessings in my brokenness, no promises. Even after four years on this path dark times do overshadow my hope from time to time. Today…today I see my blessings so clearly, today I am at peace. This song has taught me the power of being present and to embrace the moment, embrace that this moment is as good as it gets.