Before and After

My life is now divided – before and after.

Before Adelyn I was genuinely happy, maybe naively happy.  I lived life carefree, my glass half full and loving life! I was thankful for by blessings. We enjoyed life and loved it!

After Adelyn I am not going to lie there has been some very dark times. I don’t think that should surprise anyone. Some days early on I wouldn’t want to go to bed at night because I knew I would have to get up and doing it all over again the next day. Days leaving work I would cry the entire way home as all day long I held it together. 

After Adelyn I feel physical pain. It is so hard to describe it if you have not experienced it but I literally feel my sadness. I cannot tell you exactly if it is in my heart or my stomach. My heart is broken but the best way I can describe it is always having a pit in my stomach. You know that feeling you get when you are nervous. Sometimes it also does literally take my breath away.

After Adelyn I question if I will ever be as genuinely happy as I was before. I look at pictures of before and I look at my smile and eyes and question if I will ever get that completely back. Yes, I still smile and yes I am still happy but that carefree, 110% happy – I don’t know.

But, I am ok with that because….

After Adelyn my relationship with God is the strongest it has ever been. We talk multiple times a day and in my darkest days he is there for me. He shows me signs frequently that she is with him and they are with me. I cannot encourage you enough if you do not have a close relationship with your faith find a way to build it.

After Adelyn my life has purpose. Holding our baby girl as she earned her wings I quickly realized how fragile life is. We now how purpose to serve God and to serve others. We are now more generous with our time and our blessings.  We get up in the morning to accomplish something specific and not just go to work and come home, to repeat it all again the next day.

My life will always be divided but do I ever want the before back? Never, even with all of the pain and suffering I love the life I have now and it is all because of our little angel. I am now a better mother, a better Christian, and a better person.